And it brought back some very different, but very familiar memories of my own antipsychotic medication use in the past. No doubt, Lady Gaga gets a medical care level I would not get when I was on Medicare or whatever the exact plan was that I was on. Clearly, they get the good stuff.
The song starts out relatable enough.
“This is biological stasis
My mood’s shifting to manic places
Wish I loved and kept the good friendships
Watch life, here I go again”
This is a feeling everyone suffering from bipolar gets. Friends and family don’t get it.
“Why, when you finally had some good things going for you, did you just spiral out of control and destroy it all for seemingly no reason?” This is a form of a question I have been asked more times than I can count.
You think I do it on purpose? That I want failure? It seems such a stupid question. Especially when I really wish I had that answer myself. I don’t know. Because I am nuts, that’s why.
It is predictable. Lady Gaga clearly gets me, and I get her.
And this is what is vital here. Lady Gaga has more money than God, and she struggles with these things and is just as self-destructive and miserable as I am. This is why I like her.
I knew years ago when Poker Face first came out, she was being interviewed everywhere, I don’t know if you could tell, but I could sure tell, she was one of us, the messed-up ones. I get it, Gaga. I get it.
“My biggest enemy is me,”
You don’t say! Me too!
Nothing terrifies me more than my own head. I have been on a pretty good run the past couple of years. Things have been working out for me lately. I am no longer taking my antipsychotics. They were horrible. I went from wanting to die to wanting nothing at all. I couldn’t get out of bed. I just wanted to sleep. But hey, I wasn’t self-destructing, I wasn’t doing anything.
That is when the new complaints started up. Now I was just a lazy good for nothing loser bastard. In the realm of being crazy, I would rather be seen as crazy and self-destructive than be seen as lazy and good for nothing. I could barely work. I was always exhausted. I would wake up, work, then sleep and repeat. I did nothing else for a year.
Until I was laid off.
For being lazy.
Lady Gaga has found peace and wellness in her medications. I praise her. Good for her, I never could. I wish I knew what she was taking. I may try it myself.
On a cocktail of three or four pills, I was always changing them. One made me incredibly angry and anxious. I told my doctor, he told me to not worry about it and keep taking it. I then wound up hitting someone and going to jail.
“Turning up emotional faders
Keep repeating self-hating phrases
I have heard enough of these voices
Almost like I have no choice”
Been there, girl.
I told the doctor about it, you know what he said? I was making excuses for my behavior. When he ignored my pleas for a new medication. This is the bipolar world I live in, even to this day. I struggle to not lash out, I still do sometimes. Even just recently. I have days when I can not get out of bed. I am thankful I can work from my cell phone when need be.
My life is still miserable oftentimes.
But, at the same time, I am eating better, exercising more, meditating, and doing other things to help. I am now happier than I can ever recall being. Even with this daily struggle. I really don’t want it to end, not for myself, and not for Lady Gaga, who sounds like she is doing well since she opened up on Oprah. It sounds like her life is more manageable. She is a lot happier now with her medication.
But then again:
“I can’t see me cry
Can’t see me cry ever again.”
These words are clearly a reference to her dulled emotions. Maybe she is still just like me. Not really over her issues either, but has found a manageable place where she just doesn’t want to die anymore. No matter what, I hope she is making it and really is happier. Because one thing I would do over and over again when things were not so bad is declare myself cured when a few months would go without symptoms, and that would be right before the spiral down to a new low.